M.Sc. B.A. Relate Cert C.C.
Registered Counsellor BACP & UKRC
Coast Road, Rhyl, LL18 3PL
07551 529 386
The central idea of psychodynamic counselling is that the unconscious is important.
When we look at the unconscious process of couple attraction we look at the choice of partner each individual makes (without being consciously aware of what led to that choice).
The unconscious is central to the understanding of the people we now are and the patterns that affect our relationships. Early relationships and interactions in life will influence our "here and now" or adult interactions.
The couple counsellor gently encourages the illumination of the history of the couple problems, not accessing deeply repressed material.
Our adult life is a constant turmoil of positive and negative feelings.
Much of our energy is spent in perusing the positive experiences and avoiding the negative ones.
To truly live in the "here & now" is a difficult & painful struggle.
A realistic view of the world involves being conscious with negative and positive emotions.
Living fully consciously means coping with ambivalence - the co-existence of opposite emotions.
In stressful situations we "split off" the negative and remain only conscious of our positive feelings, for example, when someone dies and we are only conscious of the positive & suppress the negative we may be "not speaking ill of the dead".
The process of displacing unwanted feelings onto others is called "projection".
In couple relationships we can project unwanted feelings onto each other.
When two people become locked into responding to the denied & projected emotions of the other and regarding this as their own in this is called "projective identification". This happens easily in couple relationships.
Psychodynamic relationship work is based on work of Freud, Klein and Winnicott.
It focuses on those early relationships with attachment figures, notably, Mother.
As "good enough" a parent is able to give enough nourishment & support so the child can tolerate living in the emotional world as it really is, good and bad.
We carry ideas of "good enough" or "not good enough" into our adult lives.
The counsellor supports the clients just enough so the clients can be helped to re- integrate the positive and negative in their conscious world, and rework those early struggles.
Klein believed it was the quality of the relationship that the child experienced with human objects in the first year that sets a pattern of relating to others in adult life.
Marital therapist Henry Dicks suggested choice of partner is made on 3 levels:
At an unconscious level we often pick and are picked out by a partner who has had similar earlier life experiences.
They may have dealt with these experiences in an opposite way.
Unconscious choice of a partner is based on similarity. It may feel that you "complete each other" or have found your "other half".
We choose partners & are chosen by partners at both conscious & conscious levels.
Counselling may explore the idea of "chemistry" between two people: how two people who "fit" together to form a "whole".
This mutually collusive projective identification is known as the couple "fit". Problems may arise later as the fit changes.
The fit works when the couple are positioned on the continuum where it feels comfortable to both.
It does not work when they become polarised - i.e. splitting.
When we choose a partner we are able to project risky and conflictual elements of self onto our partner who will express it for us so that we can continue to be in touch with a disowned part of self.
Why do partners choose each other?
When couples unconsciously choose each other it may be as a second chance to play out old conflicts (from childhood) which were not successfully managed the first time around.
The couple relationship can be "defensive" - internal psychic conflict from the past can be repeated in the present and reinforced.
Or the past can be re-worked by doing the unfinished business of childhood by working in the relationship currently, it can create the opportunity to resolve psychodynamic conflicts.
Unconscious choices are about:
Counselling works to make sense of the links between past and present.
Counselling may use the relationship between past and present, and internal parts of self as well as relationships with others.
These can be explored in the relationship between counsellor and client, and between clients themselves.
This theory of "between" is very helpful in couple work, in understanding "how come" each has chosen the other, and "why" it no longer works for example.
Source: Jacobs, Psychodynamic Counselling in Action
Dicks, Marital Tensions
Scarff Intimate Partners
Skinner Families and How to Survive them